It is important that we, people in relationships, learn about gender differences so that we have a basic foundational understanding of the hardwiring of different genders. Accept that these are God-given differences and He likes the differences, and does not appreciate our demeaning, demoralizing, or a general judgment as to whether or not a person should or should not be that way. This is not to say that we are to indulge in our gender, but the more we know about gender the more curious, fascinated, and endearing gender can and should be. This is like different breeds of animals, you wouldn’t expect a goldfish to use a litter box, or a dog to do the dishes! I don’t pet the cat backwards, but the dog loves it. This means I will not judge the differences men and women have when it comes to sexuality, informational processing, internal motivation, etc.
It is interesting how men and women feel loved in such different ways. What might come naturally to me as a woman, doesn’t necessarily communicate love to a man.
1. Men give provision, women give love.
What does provision mean? Providing an atmosphere where she can feel safe in order to
thrive and be all that God has created her to be, i.e.’ “her own best version”. The primary
way a man provides is financially, however, in today’s world many women make more
money than their partners.
-- It’s not the amount it’s who bears the burden.
-- Women love to help, so in a women’s world,” helping” financially is very
different than “providing” for a man.
-- Providing an atmosphere that is not emotionally combative
-- Providing an atmosphere where she is able to love, nurture and support the
people most important to her, without it being be-littled or minimized in
-- Providing a home where things “work” so that she “care” for those she loves
-- Providing an atmosphere that honors her “work space”.
2. He isn’t “derailed” by my feelings and/or moods.
What does this mean? Women have feelings and thoughts “all the time” that they are
attempting to manage. Something is always “popping up” either from within or from an
external trigger. It is very difficult for us to “just let it go”, difficult to determine level of
importance. This is what men can often help us with, if we are taken seriously and it is
done in love. They are hard-wired to be affected by their world. This is one of the things
that men love about women is that they are “reactionary” beings. One of the most loving
things a man can do for the women he loves is to “stay the course”. It doesn’t mean you
are unemotional. It means that you enjoy having a women and not wanting her to be a
man unless you are having sex with her or she is affected by your plight. This helps
women “right” themselves. A man can be a stabilizing reference point. This is similar to
what God provides as our leader. He never changes, he is always the same. It does not
mean he is not affected by us or is unemotional.
3. He is a grown-up about sex, and how he acts sexually.
What does this mean? He doesn’t act like boy when he is making sexual advances.
Doesn’t do the “grabbie” thing, but sometimes asks permission to touch his
wife/girlfriend understanding that he is “breaking into her world” and she may not enjoy
or appreciate the distraction the same way he does, (i.e. pets, and frosting) very
understandable; but not always pleasurable. He doesn’t pout when she doesn’t want to be
sexual. Women have all kinds of feelings about their bodies, as well as the fact that there
is always something going with their bodies. Our bodies are very complicated.
4. He does things for me, simply to make my life easier and better, he wants to relieve my stress.
Direct benefit when a man will do this for the women he loves. She will be far more
enjoyable to him. Men know how stressful it can be for them when the women they love
is “stressed out”. Important point here is to learn what “stresses her out” and relieve it
the way she wants, not what makes sense to you.
5. He buys me things knowing the biggest part of the what he provides or buys for me is bragging about it.
For a woman, this shows the world she is loved, wanted, and valued by someone. That I
am important and special to someone. Think of fathers providing for their children, how
the Lord provides for us. He made the planet simply for Adam and Eve. It does not take
the place of relationship, and is doesn’t mean that women are materialistic per se.
6. He doesn’t grow tired of reassuring me that he love me and the things/we are OK; even though he’s already told me an hour ago and to him nothing has changed, and all he has been doing all day is working to provide and create a better life for me!!
Biggest part of our hardwiring is the need for security and the need to continually
establish it. This is what we do for children, family, pets, etc. Secondly we are
hardwired to pick up on all kinds of subtle cues, so you may think nothing changed but
we may have sensed or “picked up” on something. This is similar to the dynamic that we
talked about in #2.
7. He has patience with me when I struggle with my appearance and how I feel about myself.
So he continually reassures me even if I seem neurotic about it. He understands and
accepts that there is tremendous pressure on me to look a certain way, especially in the
world of women. He is careful what he looks at, how long he lingers, and how obvious
8. He feels protective and possessive of me, because I belong to him.
In today’s culture we are taught that these qualities are bad. If we look at how the Lord
loves us, we see why this is a part of loving someone. When done appropriately it can be
experienced as very romantic and securing. You don’t want her to act independently of
you because she is securing her own world. Of course we do, and of course we can. But
the healthy romantic/sexual dynamic between a man and a woman that love one another
is established in this phenomenon. Sadly, we do not allow this in out culture, some
because it has been abused in past by demeaning women, or done out of a man’s control
and insecurity. This dynamic needs to come from a place of intense value. And it goes
both ways (a man toward a women and a women toward a man), it just isn’t expressed
the all the same ways. Being protective means that I will do anything for the object of
my love to not be hurt or harmed, and if they are there may be some consequences.
Women need the strength of a man, and a man needs the strength woman can provide.
The reality is, no matter how strong I am, no matter how much self-defense I learn, I am
for the most part no match for a man. Men are intended to protect women, children, and
domesticated pets. This has been stolen from them and needs to be given back to them.
It is one of the most basic, fundamental ways and man loves, period. He takes care of his
own! He should be allowed and encouraged to do it.