Relationships

Relationships and Expectations

You have probably heard "no expectations, no disappointments”. I would say, “no appropriate expectations, no intimacy”. A relationship without appropriate expectations is like a house without walls. If there are no walls, there is nothing to hold up the roof. Therefore there is no real true shelter.

Relationships that desire deep intimacy, the kind where you really know me (the real me, and I really know you, the real you) require structure, dependability, effort, commitment, humility, good inter/interpersonal skills, and maturity.

The things that you should expect from a very intimate relationship, such
as (best friends, lovers, partners, spouses, etc.) are the following:

1. The ability to keep discussions and emotions in confidence.

2. The commitment to not judge the person, but to trust a process with God. If you can’t do this, you cannot have intimacy because you are probably not with a safe
person. Important: “Safe does not mean perfect, it means trustworthy”. If you can’t rust that the person is working hard on his or her own life and program, then you will have great difficulty with peer intimacy. You will either be put into a parental role, or one of a police
officer, or therapist. It doesn’t mean we don’t occasionally operate in these roles for...

Except people we love, but if that is the role you are consistently in, you
cannot then have intimacy, there is no room for you in the relationship. You have to be able to trust God for their process whether you see it or not. If you think it’s not happening, and you choose to stay, then you still need to trust God and not yourself, to make their life work
(see show’s on codependency). Martin Luther said to "Pray—and let God worry”

3. Decency and politeness, which indicates respect (this is a must!)

4. Expectations on yourself: Doing your side of the relationship. Growing, maturing, using your “voice” to ask for what you need, express your feeling appropriately, not expect the other to read your mind, or pick up on your subtle cues. Are you holding the other to the same standards you have for yourself? Is that a source of pride?

5. Expect to have hard times, confusing times, times of doubt, but that you are not depending on this person for your peace, your ultimate security, or for them to be a “god”. Expect them to be  mortal.

6. Expect attempts at honesty, Are you completely honest with yourself and God, with others? This does not mean we should accept blatant, malicious deception.

7. Expect to help the other be the best they can be. This is done through love and acceptance. Why do you think people come to see a therapist? I give them time, I have
patience, I have appropriate expectations.

8. Expect to be challenged and uncomfortable as you examine yourself, your motivations, your control issues, your woundedness. Expect to have to apologize a lot.

9. Expect to feel like things are one-sided and unfair.
10. Expect to pray a lot.
11. Expect to ask for and give mercy a grace in abundance.
12. Expect to have empathy and compassion for even the smallest things, things that don’t make sense to you.
13. Expect to expand your ability to accept and enter in to another’s reality that may not make sense to you or you may not always approve of.
14. Expect to find out how much you don’t know, and how much you are not God. (And be thankful for that)
15. Expect to have fun, grow, and to be loved.

AND Expect to help teach the other how to do these things.

 

Why God wants us in relationships.

faith christiansen smeets mark of the desert

 

Here are a few notes to help us through understanding why it is so vital to be in healthy relationship with God our Father, but also one another. Please use these verses to help grow and inspire your relationships. 

So Why does God want us in relationships? 

Because if we are not in relationships, we will grow wild. -Ephesians 4:16

Because "iron sharpens iron." -Proverbs 27:17

Because we need to give and receive encouragement. -Proverbs 17:17, Ecclesiastes 4:10

Because humans need comfort. -2 Corinthians 1:3-7, Lamentations 1

Because we need meaning and purpose. -Exodus 9:16, 2 Corinthians 5:5

Because there is strength in numbers. -Ecclesiastes 4:11-12

Because we need connection to guard against loneliness. -Genesis 2:18, 1 John 1:3

Because we need support. -Exodus 17:8-13, Matthew 26:36-41

Because relationships serve as a reflection of ourselves. -John 8:32

Because it is healing. -James 5:16

We hope you will reflect on these verses and be encouraged to build relationships with others that reflect who God is and who God truly wants you to be. Your own best version can be found in healthy, Godly relationships. 

Have a wonderful week. 

 

 

Apologies...

Healthy apologies continue to instill trust in those we wish to have relationship with, it not only heals the hurt we are apologizing for, it creates more trust and resiliency within the relationship. It creates more positive history in the relationship, and deepens authenticity and feelings of safety and acceptance. As a result there is a relaxing within the relationship as acceptance increases, thus leading to a decrease in defensiveness, hiding, fear, and offense. The heart of apologizing is admission of wrong doing and progressing past it. 

While there is not the regular use of "apology" in the Bible, it does say much about healing, having unity of mind, restoration, and admission of sin: which are true forms of "apologizing". 

"Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.” (1 Peter 3:8-12, ESV)

"Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you." (2 Corinthians 13:11, ESV)

"Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:17-21, ESV)

More about forgiveness is noted than apologies. Maybe it's because forgiving is a part of understanding how to apologize. 

Our show on apologizing is on the site and so are many other shows that help us develop a healthy abundant life. 

Let us know your thoughts! Leave comments below.